Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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