Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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