I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
