normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just invented taco cereal.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
