I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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