remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
