Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
