Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
