My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
