Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
