So drunk its hurt
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
