i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize