I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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