you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
