i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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