i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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