my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
