i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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