I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You can't motorboat a personality
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
