I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
