Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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