then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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