i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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