Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
