she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
