Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
