The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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