If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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