he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
