I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
