I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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