I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
