In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
