i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
