The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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