i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
