wanna go halves on a baby?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
