hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
