You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
