I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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