I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize