I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Congratulations! We have a period
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
