Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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