Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize