I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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