how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
