I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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