Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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