I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
