My first STD was from a foam party
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
