i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
