'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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