My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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