Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
