You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize