I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
