If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
