I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
