he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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