its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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