Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
