we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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